Loaded Read online

  “Thank you, Annabelle,” Martha said reluctantly, yet giving me a smile. She set the eggs and hash browns on the table and beat a hasty exit from the kitchen. “How are things?” I asked Peaches as soon as Martha left.

  She shrugged. “They are…what they are, I guess. She’s quiet and withdrawn all the time but she claims she understands.” Peaches shrugged again. I knew she was at a loss for how to get the peace back in her home, especially considering everything else going on.

  “You believe her?”

  She snorted. “Would you?”

  I shook my head, aware of Maisie’s little ears. “How could I? What does Gunnar have to say?”

  “He feels guilty,” she told me and that was all she needed to say.

  “But he didn’t…” There was only so much conversation we could have in the presence of a precocious kid with eager ears, so I didn’t finish the sentence.

  “No, it wasn’t him,” she said firmly, “but as the man in charge, he feels it all the same. Nothing I say changes that. He’s stubborn.”

  I didn’t know how she managed to trust Martha to cook their meals without slowly poisoning them or putting Maisie at risk, but it wasn’t for me to understand. “All you can do is keep trying.”

  “Like you and your dad?”

  I sighed and pushed the half-empty plate away from me. “No, not like that at all. This is nothing like that.”

  “You’ve been done with med school for how many years?” I knew what she was getting at with this line of conversation, and I hated it.

  “Seven years since I finished and three since I completed my residency and fellowship. Why?”

  She shrugged, turning her attention briefly to Maisie who’d finished breakfast and two cinnamon rolls and had now grown bored with adult conversation. They spoke quietly, hugged, and then Maisie trotted off to the living room, where some kid show blared from the speakers. “You know damn well why. Maybe in all the years since you last spoke, he’s changed his mind.”

  “I called him when I got the fellowship at Johns Hopkins. He told me emergency medicine was a waste of my talents and his money.” Peaches knew we hadn’t spoken since.

  “Does he know you’re back in Texas?”

  I shook my head and snagged the half eaten slice of cold bacon on my plate. “If he does, he didn’t hear about it from me.”

  “So keep trying doesn’t apply to you?”

  “There’s nothing to try. Gunnar’s guilt is misplaced. He did the right thing and feels bad because he is a good man. My father is upset I chose to do something other than follow the path he wanted for me. There’s no changing that.” I couldn’t keep someone in my life that made me feel like a constant disappointment, and I’d told her as much. “It’s a pattern I’ve worked hard to break, and I won’t go back for anyone. Not even him.”

  “Fine,” she said on a sigh. “I’ll keep trying with Gunnar because I love him and I’ll keep trying to get you to change your mind about your dad because he’s your dad.”

  “No, he’s my father and there’s a difference.” I knew she wanted to argue with me, and I shook my head. “I know why you think it’s important, Peaches, but it isn’t the same.”

  She sighed. “Fair enough. I can’t put my lack of daddy issues on you. That’s not fair.”

  “Thank you.” With that topic beaten to death, we both fell into a contemplative silence.

  The comfortable quiet was disturbed by heavy footsteps stomping up the back stairs. The screen door yanked open as Wheeler entered, bringing nothing but noise and chaos with him. A complete and total disturbance.

  “Mornin’,” he grunted, I assumed at Peaches and kept my mouth shut.

  “Hey, Wheeler, how’s it going today?” Her gaze stayed on me, determined and insistent while I pretended not to notice.

  He shrugged and filled an oversized mug with black coffee. “It’ll be going a lot better when this damn headache is gone.”

  “Talk to him,” she mouthed the words to me, and I shook my head. There was no way in hell that I would get in the middle, more in the middle of Wheeler and the issues he clearly planned to ignore until they destroyed him. “Maybe you need water?”

  He glared at her, but she kept that sweet smile trained on him until his shoulders relaxed and most of his attitude dissipated. “Water lacks caffeine, smart ass.”

  She shrugged, not at all put off by his tone. “Caffeine dehydrates you which causes headaches. But hey, you keep doing you, Wheelie.” Her words held a bit more bite, and she turned back to me, annoyance spread all over her face.

  “I will.” He grunted and left, sucking most of the air out of the room and not sparing one damn glance for me.

  “Anna, talk to him. Please.”

  “No.” It was as simple as that, for so many reasons. “I practice emergency medicine, Peaches. A few rotations in the psych department doesn’t make me an expert.”

  “Maybe not, but it’s clear he’s suffering and needs help.”

  I nodded my agreement. Wheeler was in a world of pain, both physical and mental, and I was pretty sure no one on the ranch knew how much. But he wasn’t my patient. Hell, he wasn’t my anything. “He has to want help first, Peaches.”

  “I hate that,” she said with a pout that made her look more like Maisie than the fully capable woman I knew her to be. “He’s so clearly hurting.”

  He was hurting more than she knew, and even though Peaches was my closest friend, it wasn’t my place to tell Wheeler’s tale. “So, how was New York?”

  Peaches shrugged. “Uneventful.” It wasn’t exactly a non-answer, but I got the distinct impression Peaches just lied to me and didn’t want to talk about it.

  Chapter Three

  Wheeler

  “What the hell crawled up your ass, man?” Holden’s deep voice sounded behind me, startling me out of my own damn thoughts. I whirled on him.

  “Don’t sneak up on me, dude. We’ve talked about this.” He wore a smirk that I wanted to punch off his smug damn face. Just because he was all happy and in love, getting laid on a regular fucking basis, didn’t mean he needed to rub it in everyone’s face. “Unless you’d like to get your ass kicked again.”

  Holden wasn’t offended at all. Instead he tossed his head back and laughed. And laughed. It went on so long I started to get pissed off. It wasn’t that goddamn funny. “You got one sucker punch on me, man. Let’s not exaggerate.”

  “You snuck up on me, that’s not a sucker punch. It’s self-defense.” He should know that better than anyone.

  “Not if I called your name half a dozen times before laying a hand on your fucking shoulder.” Holden shook his head, sympathy and irritation shining in his eyes. “Get your shit together Wheeler. You’re the VP and we’re all counting on you.”

  “A little early for a guilt trip, isn’t it? Didn’t even pack my earplugs.” Yeah, I was being a dick, and I knew it, but I was damn sick of everyone treating me like some fucking head case.

  “Be a dick if you want but listen. We all went through shit in the service. You’ve done, seen, and gone through more than the rest of us combined, but look at you.” He waved one of his big meaty hands in my direction, and I folded my arms, expression defiant. “You’re clearly not sleeping through the night, can’t be bothered to shave, and you’ve been out here by these fucking fences all day. Thought maybe you’d passed out in the sun.”

  A frown crossed my face, and I whipped out my phone to glance at the time. “Shit.” Holden was right, dammit. I’d missed lunch and the day was nearly over, but the fence I should’ve been mending wasn’t even close to finished. “Sorry, man. I’ll get it done, don’t worry about it.” This was all the Doc’s fault, damn her. The last thing I needed to see after a restless night was her face, all beautiful and earnest and concerned.

  About me.

  Fuck that.

  I didn’t need her concern, what I needed and what I wanted, was her body. I loved to fuck Annabelle, loved the way she wr
apped that sexy body around me and gripped me tight like she couldn’t let me go. I loved the way she looked in those red-framed glasses when she dropped to her knees and sucked me off. It was an intoxicating blend of innocence and sex appeal. Something I never thought I wanted until I came upon the Doc looking scared and intrigued about the pleasures found inside The Barn Door.

  Since then, we’d fuck on a regular basis, usually when I dropped by the cute little bungalow she lived in. And yeah, maybe those times lined up with my need for a few extra painkillers, but we didn’t talk about that. Or the worried brown eyes she always laid on me when I asked. I didn’t need the worry, I needed the Oxy so I could sleep without the fucking dreams that were never the same but they were always exhausting.

  Getting lost in her body was one of my favorite past times, but I hated that she knew all about my nightmares and especially hated that she knew about my leg.

  Those were my secrets dammit, and I was grateful that she took her job as a physician seriously, because none of the Reckless Bastards knew my secrets. Only Annabelle and Mitch.

  “You don’t have to do this shit by yourself, Wheeler.” Holden was still upset, but I was starting to get the idea that it wasn’t about the damn fence.

  “What the fuck is your problem, then?”

  “You are, asshole!” He pushed me and not gonna lie, it shocked the fuck out of me because Holden was the quiet one. The one who took his time before acting. Or reacting.

  “We are supposed to be a family but you, Wheeler, are a fucking island.”

  “Don’t give me that,” I told him, struggling to hold on to my own calm. “I’m here aren’t I? Have been every step of the way, every fucking fight I’ve been there, stepping in the shit to make sure we all make it home safe.” It was no different than my time in the service.

  “Yeah and that’s great, but what about you? It’s clear there’s some shit going on with you, and you look like hell. How can any of us trust you to have our backs when you don’t trust none of us with what’s going on with you?”

  “I’m fine, Holden. Sometimes I have trouble sleeping and when that happens I’m a surly asshole, what can I say?”

  “You’re always a surly asshole,” he shot back, a tiny smile cracking through his scowl. “But we both know it’s more than that.”

  “I’m fine,” I insisted the same way I did when Mitch got on my case about seeing a professional. “Talking to some headshrinker won’t change a fucking thing, Holden.”

  “Have it your way,” he growled and walked away, hopping on the caramel-colored gelding and riding off into the literal fucking sunset.

  Left alone with my thoughts, they inevitably turned back to the things giving me the most trouble. Annabelle and my goddamn nightmares. They were so linked, and at this point, I couldn’t think of one without the other. The dreams were always the same, fighting an enemy with more men and resources than I had until they overwhelmed me.

  And the only thing that could come close to soothing them was Annabelle.

  And the pills.

  I didn’t have either right now so I turned back to the fence and worked until my muscles screamed in pain, and I was too damn tired to think about anything or anyone.

  Chapter Four

  Annabelle

  “Got any fun plans tonight, Annabelle?” Nurse Peyton’s wide, beaming smile flashed at me in the semi-lit parking lot of the hospital.

  I snorted and shook my head as we both stepped off the curb and headed to our separate cars. “Exactly the opposite. I plan to read a few journal articles, maybe pop a load into the laundry and find something that’s not a sandwich for dinner. Jealous?”

  Her laugh was as contagious as her smile. “You bet your perky little butt I am. I have three kids with homework to do and dinner to eat, one husband out of his depth and probably an entire house that needs to be cleaned. Your night sounds like a dream.” She flashed a big grin that underscored her words and proved she was as in love with her life as I thought she was. “Wanna trade?”

  That pulled another laugh from me. “I wouldn’t know how to even get kids into bed, Tish. Give me a wound to stitch, blood and guts, and I’m far more comfortable.”

  She laughed. “It all seems scary at first. Then you jump right in and take control, just like in the ER.” She sounded so sure and so certain that I almost believed her. Almost.

  “Says the woman who wrangles kids with the same ease she does cowboys and rangers.” It was a talent I admired and one of the reasons I always requested her on my service.

  “It’s a gift, what can I say? But it would be nice to have a quiet night on my own once in a while.” She laughed and aimed the key fob in the direction of her car, making both sets of light flash. “We always want what we can’t have, don’t we?”

  “I don’t know, Tish, it sounds like a great idea.”

  She waved away my words with a grin. “Don’t you worry about all that, Doc. I’ll be just fine.”

  “Of course you will, but it’s totally selfish on my part. You’re my best nurse, and I can’t stand it when you’re not here.” I said.

  She rolled her eyes and tossed her oversized bag into the backseat. “That’s hardly the truth but thank you all the same. Have a good night, Doc.”

  “You too, Tish. Hug those adorable boys for me, if they let you close enough.”

  Her laughter echoed in the night. “Only if I promise to regale them with tales of blood and guts in the ER. Which I won’t.” She shivered. “Why the Good Lord punished me with a house full of boys, I’ll never know.”

  She loved each and every one of her boys and all of Opey knew it. The boys, along with her husband Daryl stopped by often during double shifts with dinner, drawings, and snacks simply because they missed her. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit envious, but more than that, Tish gave off this sense of maternal affection that was hard to resist. “Who else could handle them better?”

  She grinned and tossed a wave my way before closing the door and driving off. A few minutes later, I headed in the opposite direction towards my little bungalow. The proximity to the hospital was the main reason I’d chosen the house, along the dead-end street that provided endless hours of peace and quiet.

  I turned onto my block, lined with just seven houses, three on each side and one bigger house at the end. The block was quiet, just the way I liked it, with only the crickets providing a soundtrack and lightning bugs providing ambience. But all the peace that had quickly settled over me vanished when I turned into my driveway and noticed a familiar figure sitting on my front porch.

  Wheeler had his legs stretched out in front of him, crossed at the ankles, his elbows resting on the top step and his head tilted towards the night sky, a small smile playing on his lips. He almost looked normal, not tortured or angry or surly. Almost.

  Whatever he was feeling right now was irrelevant to me. I’d had a long shift that started at four o’clock this morning, and I wasn’t in the mood for his attitude. I gave myself one quick look in the rearview mirror, let out a sharp breath and stepped out into the cool night air. Wheeler didn’t move but his gaze went from the sky to my approaching form. There was heat and appreciation in his gaze and even though my body started to respond as I got closer, my mind squashed that nonsense.

  “Evenin’, Doc.”

  “Not tonight, Wheeler. I’m not in the mood.”

  One of the boards creaked when he stood, and I felt the heat of his body right behind me as I fumbled with my keys.

  “Really?” His deep voice rumbled and sent a shiver straight down my spine. “Fifty bucks says I could change your mind.”

  Of course, that was what he thought. Finally, the key found the hole, and I shoved my door open, stepping inside to face him.

  “Fuck you, Wheeler. I’m not in the mood for you.”

  He blinked. Stunned. I was probably the first woman in a very long time to turn him down, and like a man who looked, well how Wheeler looked, he was sp
eechless. “Since when?”

  Seriously? “Since. Right. Now.” I was starting to remember exactly why it had been more than a year since I’d had sex before that night, those months ago. “I’ve been at work and it’s almost nine, Wheeler. I don’t have the time, energy, or patience for your shit tonight.”

  “Come on, Doc. Don’t be like that.” He stepped in close enough that his scent invaded my space and my senses, making my nipples harden and my belly clench tight. “We always have a good time. Don’t we?”

  Despite my body’s reaction to this man, my brain was fully in charge right now. Well, not fully because I had worked nearly seventeen hours today but in charge enough that I wouldn’t cave, wouldn’t give in to this tempting man.

  “In bed, sure. But I’m tired. Too tired.” My words were firm despite the fact that my body vibrated with need for him. “Good night.” I stepped back to close the door and his big hand flew out, the leather cuff barely an inch from my face.

  “Doc, wait.” His voice had lost its playful tone. His blue eyes were serious now, so dark they appeared black in the dim light of the porch and the front hall.

  Suddenly it all became clear. “Right. Of course.” He wasn’t here to see me or fuck me, he was here for him. “If you want more pills you’ll have to come into the hospital like everyone else, Wheeler.” He more than qualified to get his painkillers on the up and up, and so he would have to from now on.

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “You didn’t have to; I’m not an idiot.” At least not in the traditional sense, yet everything I’d done since I started sleeping with this man said otherwise. “I don’t keep any medicine here. Come in tomorrow afternoon, and I’ll get you set up.”

  A low growl came from deep in his belly, and I took a step back, making Wheeler frown. “You afraid of me now?”

  “No. What part of tired do you not understand, or is it that you think I don’t work hard all day?”

  “I never said that,” he began, raking a big hand through thick chestnut waves. “I just don’t get what’s changed.”